A few of the famous Little Britain quotes

Andy Pipkin [wheelchair character]: I want that one.

Vicky Pollard: Yeah, but no, but yeah, but ...

Carol Beer: Computer says no.

Daffyd Thomas: I'm the only gay in the village.

Season One

Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain! Population: One millions, Number of towns, Nine. Average height, Thirty. Shoe size... But just who are Britain? Over the next eleventeen weeks we aim to find out by following the lives of ordinary British folk. What do they, who is they and why?

Social Worker: Vicky, where is your baby?
Vicky Pollard: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
Social Worker: Vicky, how could you do such a thing?
Vicky Pollard: I know. They're rubbish.

Marjorie Dawes [Fat Fighters are discussing foods]: Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.

Bus Conductor: Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off.
Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well, sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

Maggie: [tastes some Jam] Ummmm! This is nice. Who made this?
Judy: Emma Shepherd. The one who's run off with the school mistress.
Maggie: [pukes] Oh, Judy. No more lesbian jam. I can't keep it down!

Season Two

Lou: Can I have one of them chips?
Andy Pipkin: No!
Lou: Please?
Andy Pipkin: No should have got your own
Lou: But I only had enough for one
Andy Pipkin: Yeh I know
Lou: Well it doesn't matter because I don't want any chips now anyway
Andy Pipkin: [throws chips away] Nor do I

Roy [shopkeeper]: Hello how can I he...
Mr. Mann: Hello, I would like to purchase a record of James Last playing the hits of Nelly Furtardo, on the banjo, and I would like a picture on the cover of James Last holding out his hands displaying stigmata
Roy [hands over record]: Certainly. Thank you

Season Three

Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain, a bloody lovely place to live. Discovered in 1972, lost in 1974. Then found a few years later hiding under Belgium. But what makes Britain so fan dabby dozey? Why it's the great British public. Ahhh, push it, push it good, ahhh, push it, push it real good!

Vicky Pollard: Who the hollyoaks onimbus is that?
Vicky's Gang member 1: Chantelle Bakers gang.
Vicky Pollard: Who or sumthin or nuffin?
Vicky's Gang member 2: They live down St.Palms.
Vicky Pollard: No but yeh but noo but what are they doin on our patch or sumthin or nuffin or sorta like thing coz they are weeeell gunna get beat-ins!
Vicky's Gang member 3: Cool it Vicky, they're well hard.
Vicky's Gang member 1: Yeerh, they give the Rettinen sisters a bog wash.
Vicky Pollard: They don't scare me. Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block. V to the P to the icky to the ollard. Ohmigod, this is well it.

Carol Beer [travel agent]: So you want to fly to Toronto on the 14th?
Customer: Yes
Carol Beer: Computer says nooooo.
Customer: What?
Carol Beer: You had the last ticket, someone must have taken it.
Customer: I just need a flight to Toronto but with a vegetarian meal.
Carol Beer: I can get you a vegetarian meal... on a flight to Berlin. That will be leaving tonight.
Customer: The meal isn't that important.
Carol Beer: It's a lentil bake with a rocket salad.
Customer: No I don't want that.
Carol Beer: I'll put that on hold incase you change your mind. Oh I've got a nut risso on a flight to Bejing. That leaves in 10 minutes.
Customer: No!
Customer: I've got a piece of marinated tofu on a flight to Vancover.
Customer: Ooh that could work.
Carol Beer: It's taxying now, if you run you might just get it.

Narrator: I went to France, I found it far too French. Spain was full of Spaniards and Poland stank of farts. But what makes Britain so moist and fragrant? Why it be the people. Let's visit them now. Pack it up pack it in, let meeee begin.

Narrator: And tonights episode of Little Britain was shown as a tribute to Matt Lucas and David Walliams, who are sadly still with us. Our thoughts are with their friend and family at this difficult time. Goodbye.

Narrator: In Britain, if an old person reaches a hundred they receive a telegram from the Queen. If they reach two hundred, her Majesty comes round to their house and personally gives them a bikini wax.

Dying old man: And I... don't want you to be sad for me... I've had a wonderful life... and I love you all... very... very much. Goodbye... [long pause]
Family members: Has he gone?
Dying old man: Not just yet. How's everybody else?
Family members: Good good.
Dying old man: Lunch alright was it?
Family members: Yes. It was lovely.
Dying old man: This is goodbye... [long pause] any minute now... may I say... how wonderful it is... to have my family round me... at the very very end... goodbye... [very long pause]. I must just use the loo before I go.

Narrator: Because of the fat people, Britain is slowly sinking into the sea.

Old woman to Daffyd: Lots of folk round here drop anchor in pooh bay!

Carol Beer [travel agent]: Will you be taking your wife on as hand luggage?
Couple: NO.
Carol Beer: So you'll need two seats.

Paul at Fat Fighters: I look at Pat, and there's a beautiful person inside
Marjorie Dawes: There's a few of them!

Lou: I'm going to get myself a tin of pop, do you want one?
Andy Pipkin: No, I'll just 'ave yours.

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